My life always seems to be the same story over and over again: stagnation and restlessness. Up until yesterday the stagnation was quite literal since I was recovering from a type of ankle fracture that requires staying off the injured leg for weeks and even months so just getting out of my tiny hobbit hole was nigh impossible. Per my surgeon I am now officially mobile and can even take my boot off sometimes, both of which come with an incredible sense of freedom. I'm still unable to do my job at Cracker Barrel (which, quite frankly I considered to be my former job the moment my ankle snapped). Of course if I still am without a proper job in a few weeks I will have to try and go back but I am doing everything I can to keep that from happening. I have a very promising lead on a job as I submitted my resume to HR without any advertised opening and a few weeks later they contacted me for an interview that went very well. The very fact that they sought me out is a very good sign. The job is at a plasma donation center and since they pay people for donations and you can donate as often as twice a week they are very busy these days. The salary is lower than say being a phlebotomist in a hospital because the ease of the job (i.e. no kids, only willing healthy patients) but I will either get a raise eventually or have garnered enough experience to pay for a higher paying position. I'm at that cautiously optimistic stage where I have faith but no expectation based on my experience of the past, I don't know two YEARS. Keeping everything crossed until I find out one way or another.
I'm just so tired of waiting, and being frustrated about waiting, and complaining about being tired of waiting. I have so many things I need to do but I need money to do all of them. I should probably start donating plasma. I would literally make more money donating plasma twice a week than I did at Cracker Barrel. I don't have the best veins so I'm not sure if I would even be a good donor but it's gotta be worth a try. I just need to feel as if I'm doing something, making progress. I literally feel as if my brain is incapable of creating endorphins. Do you know what it's like to not feel anything like happiness or joy for months? I hope you never do because it makes everything, even breathing sometimes feel so difficult you wouldn't mind if you just died. Not suicidal just tired of feeling like that.
One of the things I should be doing is writing. I mean, I am a writer and that's what writers do to deal with tough situations-you write. Unfortunately, this kind of depression makes pleasurable activities painful and difficult. That's the thing about writing-it's impossible to do it without examining your own life and emotions. Some days, you just don't want to know that much about yourself. The other thing about writing, however is that you can lose yourself in it. You can control it when everything else in your life seems out of control. I am better today than I was two days ago and next week? Next month? Who knows what wonderful things are around the corner?
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